Having it all – in 4 simple steps
Indra Nooyi’s interview has once again brought the ‘having it all’ issue into focus. Some women are aggrieved that her comments have set the feminist movement back a decade or two. Others applaud her for finally being honest enough to admit that a woman cannot be a perfect mother, wife, and CEO. The ‘having it all’ monster keeps rearing its Hydra head from time to time, forcing us to find new weapons to deal with it.
So let me add another arrow in into the quiver, not with the expectation of vanquishing it once and for all but with the hope that I can tranquilize it for a while.
When I graduated from business school, I believed that I could have it all. The ‘all’ defined by my external world meant a successful career-nothing less that CEO of a Fortune 500 company, a wonderful family comprising 1 husband- drop-dead handsome, intelligent, sense of humor, romantic, fabulous cook etc, and 2 children- smart, adorable, loving and eternally grateful.
Nice!
Twenty years later, I do have it all. With a small difference. I have defined my ‘it’ and my ‘all’. It is no longer guided by what I think the world expects me to do but more by what I believe works for me. There are days when I feel guilty, frustrated and resentful. I feel pangs of envy and bouts of self-doubt. But on the whole, I would like to believe that I am in a space of grace and gratitude.
I am no self-help guru but these are my 4 simple steps for having your all and eating it too.
1. Figure out your it
It is gender neutral. Both men and women do want successful careers and happy family lives. I know men who have refused promotions because the family did not want to uproot itself. I know women ( very few, though) who have left young children with parents/in-laws and taken off to pursue a dream. People have quit secure high paying jobs to start NGOs or bring up children.
It is closely related to our core values. Most of don’t know what success looks like? We spend our whole lives chasing it only to realize that it has been quietly sitting beside us all along.
Is it money? Does success look like a Maruti 800, a Corolla Altis or does it have to be a Mercedes? Does it look like a vacation in Nainital with the family or a Mediterranean cruise on with celebrity friends? How much is much and when is it enough?
Is it fame and recognition? Does it look like getting your name in a national newspaper once or being on the cover of society magazines every other month?
Is it Friendship? Does it look like hanging out at home and playing Pictionary with the same small group of close buddies or hoping to different parties every weekend?
It could be Freedom, Creativity, Independence, Wellness, Contribution, and Connections.
It could be being a homemaker and a career mother.
It may change through different life stages. But staying in touch with my values and reflecting on my it from time to time allows me to make more informed choices and be more at peace with my decisions.
It is always your own it.
2. Figure out what can be dropped from the all
If we were meant to have everything, we would have had eight hands, four ears and ten legs a 72-hour day. And it still would not be enough!
I have dropped the desire to be a perfect homemaker. I do not churn out tasty, nourishing meals for the family. I have dropped cooking from my list. I have learned to live with unmatched towels in my bathroom. I run out of milk once in a while. My parties are not written about in Page 3. I am okay with it. My family survives.
I have dropped the idea of bringing up a child prodigy, of being a Tiger Mother. Maybe my child will not graduate from college at 14 or win the Spelling Bee. She is doing well in school, is healthy, secure and has good friends. I can love her a lot, support her to the best of my ability and hope for the best.
I do want to stay connected with friends but I don’t look at Facebook every hour. I don’t chat with my family and friends every day. I hope they believe that the connection is still strong.
I don’t have power over the lives and dreams of a large team of people. I don’t impact the stock prices. I am not invited to speak at International conferences. I am the CEO of my own company with an employee base of one. Even that one is not always easy to manage.
Ambition is energizing. Greed is enervating. Something’s got to give. It might as well be something that is not very important to you.
We, especially women, spend so much time doing what we should do or what we believe is expected of us that there is very little energy to do what we want to do. Obviously, we cannot have it all.
3. Get a support system
You can’t have it all on your own. Though our ecosystem has not completely evolved to become favorable for working women, our world is designed for collaboration and coordination. We need infrastructural and moral support. Men have wives. Women need friends, helpers, parents, in-laws, daycare, carpools, online shopping and home spas. And husbands who help out.
I used to hesitate to ask for help. It seemed to indicate my inability to manage my life competently. Now, I am a little more shameless.
A dear friend helped out with my daughter’s doubts in science. Another has her over to her home to spend the day with her daughter when I am at work. I borrow stuff from neighbors- occasionally. My husband holds the fort when I am traveling and decides the menu for the week. I have ceded control of the kitchen to my helper.
We need to be competent, not infallible. We don’t have to be Superheroes but if we want to get there, we need to remember that every superhero has sidekicks.
4. Move it!
No one had it all by sitting on their butt and waiting for shooting stars. Too many dreams are lost in the haze of fear and doubt. I have heard many women, including myself, say, ‘ It is not possible.’ when faced with options that may compromise the domestic front.
One of the ladies in my yoga class talked about how difficult it was for her to step out of the house in the morning. It was just 3 hours in a week but she felt that she could not ‘abandon’ the children and in-laws to organize breakfast. She has a cook, her in-laws are healthy and children are old enough to eat on their own. Finally, she stepped out and the world did not come crashing down.
We need to find the zone between self- sacrifice and selfishness.
If we find that one aspect of our life is suffering and causing us frustration and unhappiness, we need to act on it. Sabbaticals from work are becoming more common for men and women. Take a break from office work and chase that dream. Take a break from housework and sign up for that Digital Marketing course. Go back and look at your IT list.
It is easy to blame the system, easy to blame others, easy to keep blaming yourself. While there are several women in our country whose choices are limited, whose social and economic circumstances do not support their dreams, there are many who have managed to break the chains. The most difficult chains to break are the ones we have put around ourselves.
I did say 4 simple steps, not easy steps. I am still working on many of these. I believe that I don’t have to have the world’s all, whatever that it is. I can always have my own all once I know what it is.
This article was first published on IBN Live’s blog
