How to compliment a woman and get away with it
“It is not fair”, grumbled the ambitious young manager after a Leadership workshop I had conducted. “I am too scared to compliment the boss but my female co-workers happily praise her sari, her new haircut and her choice of lipstick. I think I am losing out! What can I say which will not get me slapped or sued?”
“Just tell her that she has lost weight. It always works.” I said. We laughed it off but he still looked doubtful.
We live in interesting times. Even the President of USA was widely criticised for calling Kamala Harris, ‘ the best looking Attorney General.’
Recently, the Australian Opposition leader, Tony Abbott came under fire for saying that one of his party candidates ‘ had a bit of sex appeal’. The ladies in question did not take offense, but the comments were seen as unnecessary and sexist.
Closer home, our minister Digvijay Singh, who often digs his own grave with his off-color remarks referred to the Congress Secretary Meenakshi Natarajan ,as ‘sau tunch maal’. This apparently means 100% sexy woman in Bhojpuri. Though Mr. Singh tried to cover up by bringing in references to Gandhi, social work, and precious metals, the damage was done. Women’s groups called for apologies, the opposition dismissed him as ‘mental’.
Political correctness, which is de riguer in the Western world, is beginning to be seen as important in India as well. We have traditionally never bothered about the impact of what we say to people in positions of inferior power-male or female. Even the so called Educated Cultured people give ‘gaalis’ to the servants, yell at waiters and become rude with service providers. Women have always been at the receiving end of verbal abuse and eve teasing.
Some of the old hierarchical, patriarchal structures are being replaced by egalitarian norms, especially at the urban workplace. As women move from the confined space of their homes, through the intrusive spaces of the public areas into the professional space of an office, their identity also shifts. This identity of a colleague, co-worker, boss or subordinate is hard won but a fragile, brittle thing that can crumble easily. Some women have put up shields, others crawl into a shell, some wear a mask and for some, this identity is a light cloak that can slip off at a sudden gust of hostile wind. An ill-timed, inappropriate remark from a male that draws attention to the women’s body or looks, can damage this carefully created identity. How can she command respect and be taken seriously as a manager, doctor, journalist or lawyer if the person sees her as an object, even as an object that is admired and desired? Disparate power distance equations combined with sexual overtones, make compliments between genders a potentially dangerous zone.
At the same time, I think that the act of giving and receiving compliments and appreciation is the most important lubricant that eases the flow of human interactions. I do feel happy, even for a few transient moments if someone says something nice about me. We all love a sincere compliment. People in the workplace need appreciation and positive strokes. So why keep this out of the workplace where we spend most of our waking hours? When I asked some women whether they minded getting compliments from male co-workers, they all said the same thing- ‘It depends.’ Unless the male is handsome, rich, successful, kind, intelligent, has a sense of humor, is in touch with his emotions and great with kids- it depends on why it is said, who says it, how it is said and what exactly is said.
If an unrelated male compliments a woman in the social sphere it is usually construed as a signal of interest. It is usually Tip No 1 in dating manuals and a gentle segue into the courtship dance. The Why of a compliment at a workplace is more complicated. Feminine intuition can usually make out the difference between a compliment that is intended to flatter, provoke, or seduce and one that is well meant. If Ambitious Manager wants to compliment his boss as a means to worm his way into her good books, it is better for him to cease and desist. If a boss wants to motivate an employee, it is better to compliment her work than her looks.
Obama did mention that Kamala Harris was brilliant and dedicated but all of this was lost in the noise over the remark about her attractiveness. There are many things we can appreciate among our co-workers, there are many examples of good work done, there is no dearth of appropriate adjectives. Moving into personal remarks can be dangerous irrespective of the gender.
“You are looking nice today. You look good in skirts.” sound innocuous but in the wrong hands, it can be a loaded gun. The non-verbal aspects constitute more than 90% of the impact of any communication. The accompanying tone, the slight emphasis on a word, the facial expression make a huge difference. The words themselves may not be offensive but said with a leer, a wink or a suggestive smile can ruin the effect completely.
The same words would be accepted from Harmless but not Sleaze Ball. Every workplace has a typical Harmless Guy – the clown, the gentle Bhaiyya type who wouldn’t hurt a fly, the go-to guy for your personal problems. His ethos, the credibility he has built up allows him to get away with personal remarks because they are not meant to hurt or annoy. He is known to be a nice guy who respects women. Sleaze Ball’s eyes are usually focussed 8 inches below the chin level of any woman he talks to, he is a known ogler, he cracks crude jokes and refers to women as ‘babes’ or ‘chicks’. All the women hate him. He had better not open his mouth and say anything remotely like a compliment. He would be inches away from a sexual harassment suit. Most men are in between the spectrum. The smart man knows what he can say and to whom. He can recognize the boundaries that the women have drawn and abide by them.
With all these qualifiers, complimenting at the workplace seems to be a sophisticated skill, requiring finesse and sensitivity. The men who do want to start complimenting the women had better start practicing at home, with the woman he should be complimenting. The wife, when she recovers from the shock, will at least appreciate the efforts.
This article was first published on IBN Live’s blog
