The curious concept of Motherhood
Once again, some Political Personality has said something Politically Incorrect about women. Last week, the Turkish President declared “Our religion (Islam) has defined a position for women (in society): motherhood,” “Some people can understand this, while others can’t. You cannot explain this to feminists because they don’t accept the concept of motherhood.”
A part of me dismissed him as another male chauvinist who makes random motherhood statements. Another part started thinking more about the Mother of all concepts about being a woman- Motherhood. Over the generations, we have accepted the fact that Motherhood has to be the main reason for being born a woman. It just has to. No matter how accomplished or successful she is, a woman’s existence on this earth is justified only if she has given birth. It is supposed to be a primeval urge, it is hard-wired into our DNA, we are tasked with the survival of our species. All religions, all cultures, all classes of men and women accept this. A woman who cannot bear children has been ostracised, abused, killed or abandoned. She does not deserve a position in society.
I am puzzled by the strange attitude towards the position of the Mother in society. In India, we deify the Mother. We worship the Mother Goddess, we place the Mother on a pedestal. Our river is Ganga Maiya, the earth is Dharti Maa. Mother is a treasure above all material things-‘mere paas maa hai’say our heroes. They always swear by the mother-whether it is Maa kasam or Maa ki aankh! The concept of Amma, Ma, Mother looms large.
Yet, when it comes to the real Mother, the woman who does the messy, painful job of bearing the child, she gets very little respect. The ability to create new life should be awe-inspiring, it is almost miraculous. If every woman is a potential mother, why is she raped, killed, tortured, beaten even before she can fulfill her natural role? It is ironic that men who should be protecting their future are the ones who are committing brutal acts of violence against those who can guarantee it.
The sad truth is that the position of Mother is not a position of power. Mother is giving, sacrificing, nurturing and forbearing. As a species, we respect physical strength, the strength that is measured by the ability to inflict bodily harm upon another. We fear the Destroyer more than the Creator. Mother’s strength is used up in giving birth and child-rearing. She is her strongest while protecting her young but she cannot protect herself. She can bear unimaginable pain but that is not as valuable a trait as the ability to inflict pain. The female of the human species is not the dominant member of the society. Unlike the female elephant, lion-tailed monkey or spotted hyena that calls the shots in the community, the human female is relatively passive and powerless, dependent upon a powerful male to protect her.
Until a century ago, it made some sense for the potential Mother to lie low and submit to whatever happened to her. She didn’t have the strength or resources to fight for her rights. She was thrust into the Mother role at a very young age and if she managed to survive multiple childbirths, all she could hope was for a few more years of motherhood. Things have changed in many ways now. Life expectancy is higher, infant mortality is better, technology, education, healthcare, all have improved in so many ways that most women can live longer and hope for a better life. Physical strength remains important, but modern women can have access to other sources of power.
As a Head of State, CEO, Police officer, teacher, lawyer, she can have another position in society. A position more powerful than Mother, a position that can give her security, independence and an identity. Which sensible person would turn away from that? Yet, there is enormous pressure to still become Mother. Today, a woman who chooses not to have a child is pitied, blamed and almost always misunderstood. She must be a selfish bitch who does not do what the world expects of her. If she is somehow managing a demanding career and children with her partner, she is the one who is probably shirking her parental duties. Usually, she will give up the powerful role for the less powerful one, telling herself that this is more important, that after all, anyone can be the CEO but who else can be a mother to her children. She has a duty to them, she is making a choice which is for the happiness of the whole family. This is what she really wants, she tells the world. A few years later, she will hear her children introduce her saying, “My mother is only a housewife” and then she will try very hard to swallow the lump in her throat, and force a smile and say, “I used to be a journalist/surgeon/lawyer but the hours were very long and of course, the children always come first.”
I am a mother. I love being a mother. I would not exchange this experience for anything else in the world. Yet, I would also respect and understand a woman’s decision to not become a parent. Single women have their own set of annoying questions to handle but married women who are childless by choice have it just as worse. A friend of mine and her husband have chosen not to have children. She loves her work, her freedom, the ability to travel at will. “My husband was not ready to give up all this and bring up a child. Why should I? We both didn’t want to make the changes in our lives to include children.” Yet, she would never tell most people this reason. It was easier to be pitied for an imaginary medical issue than to be hated for the truth.
The truth or at least my version of the truth is that motherhood is not easy. It can be a painful, frustrating, soul-consuming, thankless task. It can also be an enriching, rewarding and joyous experience. But there is no economic, political or social reward for being Mother. Some of us who are privileged can happily choose to be mothers and enjoy its perks. Many women do not have any choice in the matter. They have little control over their bodies. Motherhood is thrust upon them when they are too young or as a result of an act of violence or as a duty they need to fulfill. At the same time, women who have a child out of a marriage have no position at all in society. We can’t win any which way.
As a society, we, both men and women need to respect mothers, non-mothers, and potential mothers. Can we recognize that motherhood itself is a position that deserves power and protection? If violence and atrocities against women continue, if we cannot value the ability to create, if we cannot support a mother in all her glorious aspects, if we cannot respect a woman’s right to her body, then we have no right to expect a woman to give birth just to have a position in society.
This article was first published on IBN Live’s blog
